Bulletstorm Remastered? Yes, Please!

“If you guys give chase I will kill your dicks!” – Trishka. Oh yes, this quote and more is coming back.

Almost six years ago, my brother and I were surfing the Xbox Store after playing Reach. We were in the mood for something fresh and thought we’d browse for new demos. Bulletstorm was being advertised as such: “Tired of the same old shooters?” In this game you can “Kill with skill!” It was an “An intense and outrageous shooter!” The plot description, which I still remember, “You’ve just crash landed onto the most violent resort planet in the universe… and this is the good news.”

So why not? I downloaded it and my brother and I had a go at the demo. After fifteen minutes of truly outstanding, brutal, crotch kicking, brain shattering, gruesome kills, I look at my brother,

“Why are we still playing this demo?”

“You want to buy the game?”

“Yes! I want to buy this game!” We drop the controller and head straight to GameStop. We made our purchase, sped back home, and we played through the games entirety.

The game was crazy fun. The idea of the game was to kill your enemy as creatively as possible to get more points for upgrades and crazy recipes for more killing.

An example: an enemy comes running towards you with a melee device he intends to brain you with, and you kick him in the nuts, which sends him flying backwards. Slow motion sets in, and you realize that such a straightforward foot to crotch connection wasn’t so creative. Let’s use the energy leash, this electric blue whip that shoots out of my left arm to snatch the baddie in midair. Insert whip sound effect. The bad guy is now within kicking distance – again – and this time I’m aiming for a giant cactus. Instead of kicking him though, I decide to pull out my sniper rifle. Quick aim for a stomach shot and send his flying corpse into the cactus. Cha-ching! The points ring in. I can now purchase better guns, better skills, and more ammo.

Mix these insane mechanics with a narrative that gets more mileage out of the word “dick” then you’d think and you have Bulletstorm. The story focuses on a crass but close black ops team getting backstabbed by their General Sarrano, and in attempt to get revenge end up crashing on a planet filled with mutated cannibals and other deadly fun types. Everyone in the group dies, except for Grayson (the leader, who you play) and Ishi (a cyborg buddy who hates Grayson’s guts for being so vengeful and killing their mates). They end up teaming with Trishka, who was a part of another black ops group. In the end they want Saranno dead, so dick killing threats aside, they had common ground. The rest is spoiler territory, so I’ll leave the plot there and go to the next best thing.

Bulletstorm is being re-released! It seems that it hasn’t been officially announced yet, but the news is spreading that “Bulletstorm: Full Clip Edition” is something to look out for next year.

Why should you buy it? I haven’t had so much fun playing a FPS – and neither would you. This game came out to provide a fun alternative so FPS’s that took themselves too seriously. Epic and People Can Fly wanted players to know that it didn’t have to be the end of the world to have a good time. I think it’s time for that re-release, considering the sort of shooters to be released in the following months. Plus, Grayson is voice acted by Steve Blum! Trishka is voiced by Jennifer Hale! Their dynamic in this game, thanks to Rick Remender (whose career is mostly in comics but he nails it here too), is something to be noted. I might be stretching it a bit, but the only guy I know who can take such dysfunctional people, who’d backstab each other any other day, but make them work together is Joss Whedon, and Remender has done the very same and is mighty successful. If I remember right there was a couch co-op mode, which is a treasure these days and well worth the consideration of any game willing to include that feature.

If you’re into first person shooters, want something hilariously gruesome, and can’t get enough “dick” jokes, then keep your eye out for Bulletstorm: Full Clip Edition. You won’t be disappointed.

Also, in case you didn't know this existed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgWoXu5fhn0